new blog

from now on EVERYTHING of mine will be under the name sTtereve, including my new blog

Dodge leaf

Whenever I am walking around and the are leaves blowing I find that my number one priority becomes avoiding them. There is no logic to this but surely I can't be the only person to do this...

My car's name is java

so if I ever get into a multiple car wreck I can call it a COMPILE-up.

phony conspiracy theory of the week

Juice box straws: clearly intended to make everyday citizens killing machines. We will be activated by our government overlords when the Chinese finally ask us to pay up.

crossovers...

The AMC eagle was the ORIGINAL crossover. it was a car (a few different body styles including a coupe and total baller wagon) with a full-fledged 4 wheel drive system (none of this awd crap). it did crossover the correct way: make a car with moderate off-road capability.

Nowadays almost all crossovers are just neutered SUVs. they are essentially big awd cars. this is useless as the AWD systems in these are only meant to improve traction a bit on slippery roads. take one off the pavement and it'll get just as stuck as any 4x2 car...

bring back a real crossover! even the modern subi outback, the only crossover that still is useful has lost it...

Dream Machine Team

One of the most common questions I get asked is what is my dream car. I always find I can never choose just one. There are a few cars I consider my dream car for various reasons. Here I will share them with you!

1. Brunton Super Stalker

Lotus 7 kit cars have a special place in the hearts of most gear heads. They are kit cars based on the old lotus 7 racer. They are tiny little cars that capture the idea of power-to-weight ratio and run with it. Caterham is the most popular manufacturer of Lotus 7 replica but I find myself particularly drawn to a lotus produced by Brunton. It uses Buick's supercharged 3800 v6 producing 280 bhp and a crazy-awesome 300 ft-lbs. That kind of power in a car that weighs just under 1,500 lbs just makes me drool. Sure Brunton also makes a v8 version with 550 bhp/ft-lbs, but I am always partial to an ancient iron supercharged v6 (also I would assuredly end up crashing immediately with that kind of power...).

2. Cadillac Allante

Cadillac used to be THE luxury brand. during the '80s and '90s that reputation faded drastically. Cadillac has done a lot in the past decade to become relevant again, but there is one jewel shining from the early 90s that served as a reminder that Cadillac was still full of brilliance. That car is the Allante. It is a big roadster designed by the same firm that has turned out numerous ferrari designs. Sure the Allante was FWD and had an auto tranny, so its not gonna be any fun, but I don't want it for that reason at all.

3. GMC Sonoma Highrider/ZR2

How do you make the chevy S10/gmc sonoma awesome? swap out the frame and suspension to turn it into an off-road monster. Particularly a short wheelbase ZR2 is completely lustworthy. Sure, the sonomas are rust magnets, but a rusty truck is still a good looking truck.

police police

So sometimes when people are in an argument, they will say "what are you, the _____ police!?"

I wonder If this has ever happened during an argument about police?

also argue with people about whether or not it has...

Why complaining about new web layouts is important

Note that while this applies to most service websites, i am mainly focusing on Facebook in light of their new layout.

After every major change on popular websites such as facebook, there is a certain divide among users. Some adapt very quickly to the new layout or don't particularly pay it much attention. Others find the changes very disruptive for various reasons, and whether they have any actual foundation for their arguments greatly varies. One of the great things about social media sites is the fact that the service provides a way for users to present their thoughts on it. For that reason, user opinions are much more obvious then other sites where posts are hidden in the back alley forum.

I personally detest the new FB layout because it is too busy for a type of service that is most commonly taken in quick peeks. Nobody schedules an extended period of time to be active on facebook, like when checking email or reading up on news (although long visits do happen frequently by accident). A social media service really should provide a streamlined interface for users to quickly see what is happening, pop up a status, and then be on their way. The old layout actually did this pretty well. you checked your recent new, then top, then maybe a status and you were done. now the news feed is all F***ed up and the ticker is just a useless distraction.

Now despite my quite legitimate (at least it seems legitimate) complaint, I can't help but notice a bunch of people saying to stop the hate and not complain because facebook is free, voluntary, etc. These people don't understand that those reasons are not as clear cut as they seem.

1. "but facebook is free! stop whining you don't have to pay!" technically there is no upfront fee to use facebook, and yet it makes millions of dollars revenue. how does it do this? ADVERTISEMENTS. you "pay" for the service by giving facebook the legal right to see your personal information and use it to tailor advertisements specifically for you. google does the same thing in gmail, and so does every other "free" service. Just because it is free doesn't mean it comes without costs...

2. "nobody is forcing you to use facebook!" again, this seems true at first, but look more. Have you ever tried to quit facebook. Aside from issues of them making it difficult to find a way to completely remove yourself from the system this is very challenging. Sure many of us are addicted to facebook or some nonsense, but the real issue comes from the fact that all your cyber stuff is locked into their system. all your photos/posts/game scores/etc are all locked into facebook. YOU may be voluntarily using it, but your cyber presence is locked down tight to facebook. There is really no easy way to cut the cord even if you wanted too.

3. "you just don't like change!" For me change isn't the issue. facebook could change their desgn everyday and, as long as it was a good design, I wouldn't care. The problem is that when a poor design comes out and they offer no alternative it can be very frustrating for those who dislike the design, and likely will be for some time. I personally believe every service redesign should allow you to try both versions for an extended amount of time so that the designers can see the general public's response and adjust accordingly. New twitter did this perfectly.

So whether you love or loathe the changes, just remember that you are entitled to have an opinion about the changes. The more vocal you are the better, as future redesign's will be affected by the end users' response.

Everything wrong with the FB redesign

1. Sidebar

The chat sidebar is now squished to have its old size. HOWEVER, it still shows your 'favorite people' even if they are not online. this means you have to scroll down quite a bit to see everybody.

2. Ticker

The news ticker is completely pointless. I understand some people are addicted to FB, but nobody needs a real time feed of what is happening, especially since 90% of it is stuff only the person doing it cares about...

3. Ticker...

That useless news ticker juts into the top bar which brings me to...

4. Top Bar

I actually like this... but the ticker breaking it up is still frustrating

5. Statuses

I don't care that facebook ripped off G+ on this part, as the G+ posting style is much better, but to get rid of the text box for a new status? RIDICULOUS! now to post a status you have to click a button to get that text box... anti-streamline much facebook!? this has also lead to me accidentally clicking the search box and beginning to type a status before I realize what is happening...

6. Lists

Another blatent ripoff of G+ but is so half-assed its not even useful. Instead of having you build the lists yourself, facebook just dumps friends into lists based on location or employment. You CAN build your own lists, but lets be honest, you already have in G+...

7. Top Stories vs Recent

The old system was simple and elegant. Want top stories? click the "top stories" link! Want recent stories? click the "recent stories" link! Now They pin just a few top stories above all the recent ones. But what happens when more recent stories appear? the top stories get pushed down. Then you are stuck with a delicious top story sandwich on recent!

*spills drink near computer*

Normal person's reaction:

"Oh no! Quick, make sure it doesn't touch ANYTHING!" *cleancleancleanclean*

My reaction:

"NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! my hawaiin punch!!! OH CRUEL WORLD!!!" *cries alone for several minutes*

ALSO: yes i realize my blog posts recently are a lot shorter. deal with it.

Chocolate milk

It doesn't taste like chocolate at all! Did it ever? How long have we been falling for this farce!?

Why my business law professor is a baller

1. he used the term "judo chop" during lecture

2. no homework, and the only "textbook" we needed was the notes he already made for the class.

3. one of our class projects involved us playing the lottery

4. he prayed to the lottery gods for said project

so damn cold out...

milk is still a bad choice!

Curse my susceptibility to minor changes in the ambient temperature! guess its time to start investing in hot chocolate...

stupid thick salsa

*eating chips and salsa*

*chip breaks mid scoop*

"IS THERE NO GOD!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bored in speech class

So naturally I drew pictures of fruit!

(And yes that is an apple...)

black and white photography

is ****ing stupid.

California whopper review

Its like a regular whopper...

BUT BETTER!

...but also more expensive.

BUT BACON!!!!!!!!

WHAT the f...

I realized earlier today that it is almost impossible to figure out from another person what the meaning of the word "what" is. You would already have to know to use it in the sentence to ask "what does 'what' mean?"

Eventually I discovered you could ask somebody to define 'what', but that would get confusing...

"Please define what sir!"

"Hmm, I didn't ask you to define anything..."

"No, please define what!"

"Define what?"

"Yes, what!"

"Aaaaahhhhhhhh"

(At this point everyone involved has had a stroke)

Cows in freezers

fact: milk is good

fact: cold milk is very good

fact: I am impatient

fact: I would drink milk from a cow IF it were cold

so now we have a problem. How do we get cows to produce fresh, cold milk? Why we put the cow in a freezer of course! But this raises the issue of cows not surviving in freezers (for long enough to give me my milk). We must GENETICALLY ENHANCE cows to grow enough fur and fat to be able to survive in a freezer!

get to work science!

Instantly

How to instantly improve anything: add the word 'free' before it!

Examples:
-free cookies
-free gasoline
-free getting punched in the face

How to instantly ruin anything: add the words 'fat free' before it!

Examples:
-fat free ice cream
-fat free milk
-fat free fat

how the hell does stuff like this happen!?

strange things happen in this universe... VERY strange things. oh, whats that? examples? well I guess I could...

1. lost remote. you sit down and watch some tv, and after 2 hours of not even breathing towards it, the remote has apparently vanished into thin air. same thing happens to keys and shoes...

2. tangled cords. wrap those headphones up into a nice little ring and tuck them in a drawer. come back 10 minutes later and BAM they are a fairly convincing tangela model...

3. dog hair EVERYWHERE. have a dog that sheds? odds are you'll find some of its hair in that hamburg you pulled out of the freezer that you pup there BEFORE you got the dog

evil villain idea

had a great idea for an evil villain: the PUNCHliner. every time somebody tells the punchline to a joke *poof* he appears and socks 'em good. soon nobody will say the punchline o any joke. and a joke without a punchline? that's just a stupid irrelevant story...

soon verbal comedy around the world would be eliminated, leaving only slapstick comedy and slightly funny blog posts...

how NOT to be a total dick customer.

1. Check the 'tude at the door

Yeah its common to be stressed when out on the town if you're running late or have ran into problems at your last stop or maybe its even something that's bigger than that. whatever has you bugging out is no reason to give the employees of the business you just entered a hard time. If you aren't good at controlling your rage at least apologize to whomever you inevitably snap at for no reason. If you can leave your problems outside and you will 100% definitely have a better experience.

2. Is it just the rules

A lot of businesses dealing with customer service have a set of rules the employees have to follow that are bound to be unpopular with the customer. Whether its the cashier at the supermarket, the waitress at the restaurant, or the drive through worker at the fast food joint, they all have protocol to follow. If one of these guidelines upset your plans its important to remember that there's a 99.99999% chance the person your talking is not responsible for creating them. If it is a serious issue to you politely ask to speak with the authority figure without being an asshat to the person your dealing with. The manager/owner may not have had a say in the rules either if its a chain, but they get payed to have you scream at them, unlike that minimum wage worker who broke the bad news to you. Even better: accept the rules for what they are and drop the issue, especially if its something that was probably printed on your receipt*cough*merchandisereturndeadlines*cough*

3. react appropriately!

People aren't perfect, and something is bound to go wrong eventually. maybe a waitress screws up your order, or a cashier accidentally scans an item twice. whatever the mistake just remember to react appropriately. Its ok to be mad, as they DID screw up, but most of the time they will immediately apologize for the mistake and do their best to fix it ASAP! In the end you will probably only be delayed by 10 minutes or so, not have your house burned down, so tame it down to a reasonable level! also note that rude customers embarrass themselves in front of the rest of the store...

BOOM! 3 easy steps to improve the experience for both you and the employee(s). be pleasant and they'll return the favor. be a grouch and they are gonna end up just as pissed as you.

plug for photoblog

http://ttereves.blogspot.com/

started me a photo-blog! feel free to comment!

breakdown of furniture assembly time

steps to put together semi-assemble furniture:

10% digging for and removing tools LOLstructions

20% tightening bolts and screws and stuff (actual assembly)

70% removing the damn packing materials!

I swear they prep this stuff like they are going to launch it to your house via an olde-timey cannon!!!

potential titles for this heat wave

In michigan the temp hit 90 today, which is ridiculous to us, and is supposed to be this bad for the next few days. A clever name to remember it by is a must. Mu suggestions:

1. The summer of useless pools (water got too warm, even heard one family dumped bags of ice in their pool to cool it off!)

2. the 2011 michigan melt

3. air conditioner industry stimulus '11

4. the not-dry heat of 2011

5. the day I walked outside and spontaneously burst into flames!!!!!!

Boat conversations are awkward

Your walking down a hallway and you see somebody you know. They are too far to actually start talking to them bit you and they both notice each other. You try not to make eye contact for extended amounts of time until finally you get close enough to tall to them. And even then you probably can't just stop so its a short conversation as you pass them.

Usually, quite awkward.

Now take that awkward and rimes it by ninety-three (yes exactly ninety-three!) And that's what its like having a conversation with a person passing your boat in their boat. It would be rude to ignore somebody passing by so close but you know it will only be temporary so you have to time the conversation PERFECTLY! the seperation by water also comes into play. You can essentially say anything you want to them, no matter how rude or obscene. What are they going to do, jump in, swim over, and try to attack you? They could try to run you over with their boat, but it would have to be much larger and faster than yours. All they could do is shoot you.

Weird traditions...

My family has some awfully odd traditions...

For Christmas we can always count on at least one thing: there will be an orange in the stocking. I recently learned this isn't just us, that it has roots in Germany or Russia...

Star Wars monopoly. My family isn't really into board games, unless its scrabble or monopoly. We have a really nice turntable scrabble set, and for some reason SW monopoly. We used to have children monopoly but ditched it when my sis and I got too old for it. at some point it was decided we would get a new star wars themed set (probably because I was a huge star wars nerd at the time). We have had it for years without ever deciding to switch to a standard version. My dad has never seen a star wars movie, but his nicknames for the different planets are endlessly entertaining. This game for some reason accompanies us on any and all vacations.

Off-road van. For some insane reason my dad refuses to buy a truck or suv. We have been through a few full size vans, some conversion, some not. Despite a complete lack of capability we have taken these RWD behemoths through some moderately frightening trails up north. How the frame has survived these trials is beyond explanation.

the "airport walk". this one comes from my mom, who is notorious for speed walking (but closer to running) in airports without reason. Anytime we see somebody hustling in a public place we identify the famous "airport walk"

Why Facebook fans should ditch it for Google+

With the internet still in an uproar about Google's new social push the big question for some remains to be: "why should I choose it over Facebook?". Its an important question because many people have become rooted in Facebook. Their pictures are on there, their games are on there, and everybody they ever met is on there. For these people there really ISN'T a reason to leave.

However, if you're one of the people who loves Facebook for what it was a few years ago then Google+ is where you should be. Facebook has gotten out of control and become a big bloated mess to meet the needs of those who have it as their homepage. Facebook has become more about games, in-laws, and ad revenue than a social tool.

Google+ is what Facebook was and should always be: a simple place to connect with others and share. Throw in the following ideals from Twitter and it becomes the ideal social network. I'm not going to go into all the features of Google+, (of you want to learn about them just Google it ;-) ) but the way they work is so efficient that you will be amazed. The system scales perfectly between sharing with just your closest allies, or all of humanity.

This said most people won't be able to completely abandon Facebook, but Google+ will be the place you go to be social.

Smarties

Smarties are the greatest candy ever. Don't think so? When was the last time you reached into a bag of randomly assorted candy and did NOT immediately start looking for Smarties?

Never.

My cars name is Java

The buick regal that replaced chaka was for a while nameless! at first it was named balrog because I was watching LotR and liked the name. after a while i got tired of it and wanted something more original, like chaka. tried a few names but none stuck. none until java that is!

but why java? here is why:

-its black, which is how i like my coffee

-i love coffee

-java is one of the first programming languages I was interested in.

-did i mention coffee?

save money!

instead of paying up the next time the debt collectors come calling just tell them that "the chex in the mail" and kindly send them a box full of chex (bubble wrap it so the squares do not get crunched!)

cars these days are too small!

now I know people generally think small cars are just super great because they generally get good gas mileage and are easier to park but the trend is silly to me.

most of the improvements from gas mileage are all to do with the engine, not the cars size. if a decent effort was put forth you would see great gas mileage figures even in larger cars. This is starting to happen with ford and chevy having their truck mpg war. otherwise the only realistic advantage to having a smaller car is its easier to park, which kinda pales in comparison to the advantages of a bigger car.

This is very frustrating as I work at the local k-mart ( :D ) and one of my jobs is to load furniture into the customers car. I used to ask what model they had to make sure it would fit but now I tend to just ask what year. If its newer than '05 I just flat out tell them its probably not gonna fit...

I understand compacts arose out of the 70s fuel crisis because back then small car = small engine = better gas mileage, but now its just irrelevant.

Why google+ just might put up a fight

Right now mainstream social media IS facebook and twitter. sure there are tons of other services out there with a sizable user base, but your grandpa hasn't heard of them. This is what gives G+ a chance, it already has the name awareness. while people don't really associate google with any sort of friend activity (which isn't to say they shouldn't, there is picasa, buzz, gmail, etc) that could change if google really makes an effort with this initiative coughgooglebuzzcough.

The good news for google is people have really been waiting for a facebook alternative. With all the privacy concerns and farmville nonsense facebook has lost what made it great: it was THE place to share and interact with friends. Now its become the thing you begrudgingly rely on because, lets face it, its the only service ALL your friends use.

This is what google needs to worry about: getting everybody* on board. If that happens, and G+ develops the mobile presence facebook has, people will get on board quick. and people are excited, with invites FOR SALE on ebay. people are paying to use a beta social service even though they probably don't have many friends on it yet...

Its your move google. promote G+ enough and you'll have a winner on your hands. neglect it and swallow another loss in the social sphere...

Reese's cups

how many is too many? they are 44g each which is about .1lbs

I have eaten 14 so far.

I JUST ATE 1 AND A HALF POUNDS OF REESE'S! SO FAT!!!

ok, maybe just a few more...

Its pronounced...

coupon
YES: coo-pon
NO: cue-pon

pop
YES: pop
NO: soda

Potato*
YES: poh-tate-oh
NO: poh-taht-oh

creek
YES: creek
NO: crick


*I don't really care about tomato's pronunciation, but you can't switch up potato without sounding like a complete moron..

Hierarchy of severed tree parts

from smallest to largest:

sawdust
wood shavings
wood chips
twig
stick
branch
log
limb


I am eternally frustrated by people who cannot grasp the difference between stick and branch!

I'm back

Haven't updated here in quite a bit so hopefully these new updates are a pleasant surprise to some :D

Bananas

Bananas are convenient with that whole wrapper/peel thing, but I've found it isn't used to its full potential. Could it be tied shut if you only ate half the banana and wanted to save the rest for later? Have monkeys (who are much more banana-savy than us humans) figured this out already? Will bananas ever evolve a ziplock peel?

I DEMAND BANANSWERS!!!!

Coolest cereals

These are the top 5 coolest cereals. Not the best cereals, just the coolest!

1. Trix - bright colorful balls of sugar? This is what cereal is all about!!!

2. Honey Smacks - every time I look at this stuff it just looks like typical health cereal garbage. Its cool because its like the ninja of cereals.

3. Captain Crunch w/ crunchberries -pure crunchberries? Too sugary for responsible parents to buy. Regular captain crunch? LAME! mix the two together and you get the cereal that's juuuust right!

4. Rice/Corn Chex - one of the few cereals that serve as an excuse to dump sugar into a bowl of milk. Bonus points for the sugar-milk absorbing design. Super bonus points for being a snack mix also! Now if they would just ditch that wheat chex shit...

5. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios - simply for the fact that the leftover milk is the drink of gods. Seriously that stuff is the best liquid ever!!!!

google wallet (and why google needs to stop)

google just introduced Google Wallet, and all i have to say is PLEASE STOP, GOOGLE!!


Time, for the tough talk google. you are a SEARCH AND ADVERTISING company. It was acceptable for you to expand outwards because you had become the internet king. EVERYBODY knew google. This meant things like gmail and youtube ultimately made sense. You pretty much controlled the internet, so having these kinds of services made sense. Then came android, which was fantastic. It turned smartphones into internet-phones, directing the populace to you're kingdom.

Then facebook began to become a significant internet presence and you got scared. You thought you had to compete, so you launched services to do so. Wave? Buzz? Failures. The truth is, you just have TOO MANY services out there. Stop trying to be the answer for everything and do what you do best, SHOW people the answer to everything. An NFC payment service doesn't really make sense. It would if people were using it with YOUR shopping service, but they never will. NFC was a cool idea but launching a whole new service for something effecting the owners of a SINGLE MODEL OF A SMARTPHONE isn't going to do a whole lot...

Just stop...


*except keep google music, that looks epic! (alos I'm waiting for my invite AHEM!)

just a fun-fact

GM LT5 v8: 405hp/385lb-ft

chrysler modern hemi v8: 390hp/390lb-ft

both are 5.7 n/a engines. only difference? about 16 years...

Who buys single boxes of tissues!?!?

I work at a local k-mart and one of the MANY things I've learned in my 2-ish years of employment is that people have odd buying habits concerning tissues (you know, Kleenexes). We sell various brands in both single and multi pack varieties. Now most sane people would assume that the majority of tissues are sold in these multi packs, because well, it makes more economic sense. On average buying a multi pack will save you a few dollars as opposed to buying them all individually. HOWEVER, apparently most people decide "screw it I'm just gonna buy one!" Now this would make sense if you only needed ONE box of tissues, but who fits in that demographic!? Also note that the individual packs aren't better quality or some limited-edition monkey-business. Same tissues. Same box. just different quantities of boxes. So somewhere out there is a large group of wannabe super-rebel-badass-mofos who buy their tissues one box at a time. I assume this is the type of person who, after leaving the store hops onto a bicycle and rides home making motorcycle noises. Or maybe they just go around back and weep to themselves over their terrible concept of economic efficiency, then using all the tissues up drying tears, requiring them to back inside and purchase another single box of tissues. The cycle continues, and the results are America's entire homeless population.

Now this is all fine and dandy until you realize the impact it has on the stores employees, specifically me. Now after a decent number of single boxes of tissues have been purchased by the drippy-nose populace we will receive a replenishment. The problem is that we DO buy our tissues in large multi packs. these usually consist of 30-40 boxes stuffed into an impossibly small box. to price each of these boxes I am forced to remove each box individually. This proves difficult because there is only enough space between boxes for a single atom (as allowing for more would likely result in nuclear fusion during the packing process they are packed so tight), and not my fingers. In addition to this the cheap paperboard used in construction of said boxes is typically the kind prone to frequent paper-cuts (see: worst injury of all time). So now after I have struggled to remove all the boxes from the confines of the larger box, and priced them, I must somehow place the blood-soaked boxes back, a normally impossible task only made possible due to the lubricating blood. Finally I have finished with one box, but many more await my ruined hands...

All so you can be a tissue-rebel... bastards

Facebook comment likes

Is it just me or is a 'like' on a facebook comment just a way of saying "I'm confirming that I read this, but do not really have anything else to say..."?

For me its this case about 80% of the time!

My fears

Rational:
-heights
-sharks
-murderers

Irrational:
-static electricity
-small insects*
-instantaneous reverse gravity
-suspicous birds
-blind people
-SUPER acid rain!

*ants. Fuck ants

frequency of updates

If you are constantly wondering "when the hell is he gonna update this again!?!?" I'm afraid I'm not good at consistency. I post things when i think of them so it might be days before another post, or 3 or could flood in during an hour. best way to keep current is to just subscribe to the feed below

http://feeds.feedburner.com/Everettisms

enjoy!

song stuck in your head

always a 6-phase process:

Phase 1: initial contact

-you first hear the song, and usually you aren't even really paying attention. It just kinda floats into you're peripheral hearing.

Phase 2: you start to hear it... in your HEAD!

-out of nowhere this tune starts to play in your head. and its always just a few seconds, so as to prevent you from easily identifying the song.

Phase 3: it takes control

-you start to find it difficult to focus on other things or keep up with conversation. you NEED to figure out what songs this is... BAM! YOU FIGURED IT OUT! now...

Phase 4: I need to hear it. I need to hear it IMMEDIATELY!

-your #1 priority in life is now hearing this song. food? no hungry. drink? not thirsty. sleep? not tired. you MUST hear the song! and then you must hear it constantly, which inevitably leads to phase 5...

Phase 5: it spreads

-due to your constant listening, whistling and humming of the tune, it will undoubtedly get stuck in others heads, spreading like the worst disease...

Phase 6: relief

-you will eventually tire of the song or a new one will implant itself, superseding the old one. either way you are finally free of its grasp! REJOICE!

turn signals = hilarity

turn signals are fantastic, until they are misused or not used at all. then hilarity ensues here's a few examples from my week.

1. stuck in a slower-than-average michigan traffic (only 68mph!?!? WTH!) with a cobalt in front of me. the driver is busy doing the wind-hand-dolphin thing when OH S*** HE'S MISSING HIS TURN!!!!! he quickly jolts into the left turn lane pops on his right blinker and then proceeds to wait... because he actually DID have to turn right. safe to say the people wanting to turn left behind him were not amused.

2. not as crazy as the last dude but a guy pulls away from an empty four way stop and does a u-turn. no biggie. the funny part? he seemed confused about which turn signal to use, so opted for his hazard lights, as if they were the u-turn signal!

3. whats funnier than a turn signal? confusing brake lights! you know, those people who have only one rear brake light and then insist on braking a pattern that turns there brake light into a turn signal. too many times have I been trickstered by these hooligans!

My Sunday [like a boos]

sleep till 9 LIKE A BOOS

go to church LIKE A BOOS

clean my car LIKE A BOOS

go to town LIKE A BOOS

buy new shades LIKE A BOOS

drink some m'dew LIKE A BOOS

wash my car LIKE A BOOS

go home on a dirt road now my car is dirty again LIKE A BOOS

go to brother's house LIKE A BOOS

move appliances LIKE A BOOS

tweet @camonb LIKE A BOOS

type this post LIKE A BOOS

hope no typos LIKE A BOOS!

Go-Go-Gadget BLOG POST!

...drat

Responses to "I'd hit it"

If hot: "... and quit it!"

If not: "... with a baseball bat!"

If blind/deaf: "... with a car, because they can't see/hear me coming !"*

* also its very handy they have those road signs giving you a heads up :D

Note to self:

Note to self:

Stop being lazy and DO THIS STUFF!

-self

PS: if you sleep instead, future self and I will hate you for eternity

PPS: ... HAHAA Pee-Pee!!!

I also take pictures

In addition my my rants and attempts to be funny on the internet, I also take pictures! you can check em at http://picasaweb.google.com/the.schoenborn

enjoy them

Initiate panic mode!!!!

PANIC: Phone only charges to 20% and a new battery is $60

turns out: it was just a bad charger...

PANIC: We're out of milk

turns out: there's more hidden on the bottom shelf...

PANIC: I have no money

turns out: I just got paid...

PANIC: I can't find any good music

turns out: the cars just released a new CD, and its awesome...

PANIC: zombies :O

turns out: zombies :D

Things people dont say anymore (but should)

Drat!

Hot diggity dog!

Gee wiz

For pete's sake

No way, jose!

Things you cannot buy when trying to act macho

Fruit
Aprons
Training bras
Diet soda
Throw pillows
Fabric softener
Fancy cheeses
Light beer
Raisins
Teas
Skim milk
Lotion
Neckwear

GM seriously needs to bring back the ZR2

Ahh the ZR2, the package that actually made the s10 a worthwhile truck. Unfortunately it died along with the s10 in 2004. The s10's replacement, the chevy colorado, was totally lacking in any kinda of off-road performance. So hey GM, here's a few reasons to bring it back.

1. The Ford Raptor - Ford's off road titan of a truck absolutely demolishes all others in production off-road vehicles. Its fast, can go anywhere, and can do it in comfort (with the super-crew models). If GM brought back the ZR2 it might finally have some competition, and i can stop admitting the raptor creams any of GM's truck offerings.

2. No More Hummer - when GM killed off the hummer brand it also cut out the entirety of its off-road performance segment. While the H2 and H3 were watered down versions of the original, they were still potent off-road vehicles.

3. People Will Buy It - The original ZR2 still commands quite a premium. The ZR2 has held its value remarkably well. Why? Because people still really want them. They are simply amazing vehicles.

4. Everybody Hates the New Wrangler - Jeeps latest iteration of the famous wrangler suv has kinda pissed off jeep classicists by adding a 4-door model. They want jeeps that haven't really changed much since the CJ5. Many off-road enthusiasts are starting to consider other options for the 'ultimate off road vehicle' and a new ZR2 would be almost irresistible.

5. GM's already making some insane vehicles - a 550hp caddy? a corvette that can roll will Ferrari's finest? GM just needs an off road vehicle that is just as ridiculous.

So, GM, time to get to work!

People are irrational

EXAMPLE: according to most people...

GOOD IDEA: dropping two nuclear bombs on a nearly defeated island nation

BAD IDEA: adding ketchup to mac and cheese

also, I have noticed that people are much more opinionated about the whole ketchup controversy

Bad-Ass-O-Meter

All too often do people use the term bad-ass without any way of telling just how BA something is. From now on please use the following rankings to appropriately convey the level of badassery (NOTE: if the subject you are referring to is not listed, use the ranking most comparable):

BA0: not badass at all.

- flowers

- people who ride bicycles

- harmonicas

BA1: a teensy bit badass

- people who can juggle

- straight black coffee

- dogs!

BA2: slightly badass

- BOOM headshots

- people who can unicycle

- bald people with large beards

BA3: kinda badass

- really any forced induction (turbo/supercharged) car (excluding turbodiesels)

- large fires

- big snakes

BA4: pretty badass

- explosions

- amateur hackers

- that man vs food guy

BA5:

- Jumping from tall heights

- classic muscle cars

- DramaticHamster.gif

BA6:

-walking away from explosions

- experienced hackers

- Camaro owners

BA7:

- people who wrestle bears

- astronauts

- rally drivers

BA8:

- heavily modded camaro owners

- biker gangs

- ninjas

BA9:

- squirrels with knives

- cows with guns

- sharks with... just sharks

BA10:

-chuck norris

-navy seals team 6

-that is all

Geocaching!

While in DC we decided to go geocaching. After giving up on one in a small park we moved on to another, apparently expecting the most intense hide of all time. Here is where we looked in order from 1st to last

-the sewer

-a fire hydrant*

-somebody's CAR

-the sign that gave tourist information on the subject of the cache's title (aka the most obvious place)

So what did we learn: geocaching is MUCH more fun if you discard any form of logic in your hunt.

*somebody ALMOST opened the fire hydrant w/o realizing the insanity of that idea. almost.

DC update

Currently down in Washington DC for BPA nationals. Here's a few ti-bits:

Everybody in this city is nice. Everybody. Its actually kind of off-putting...

There are so many nicer cars here. Back in Michigan its a rare treat yo spot a porsche, but I've seen so many here its getting boring lol. What I would give to see a good old chevy beater...

I've encountered 3 broken Escalators here already. Broken escalators are a depressing sight

reasons I'm glad Osama is dead:

(in ascending order)

1 - he has been hide n' seek champ for too long

2 - horrible person responsible for so many deaths...

3 - FINALLY GOT THE ROYAL WEDDING OUT OF THE NEWS!!!!!

When I'm a grandpa

My buick will be a '87 GNX. That way whenever my grandchildren hear the phrase "your grandpa's buick..." they will be utterly confused!

Trees 2: The treevenge

Although I have a feeling Trees 3 is going to be more disappointing than this morning's triple whopper with cheese...

Osama bin laden

Obama done got'em

Trees!

A NORMAL PERSON

...WITH A CHAINSAW!

...WITH FIRE!

...WITH A BOOK!

Facebook has made calanders useless

FB lists birthdays
FB events alert you to upcoming social minglings
FB status updates notify you of holidays (multiple times)

So if you recently invested in calendars SELL SELL SELL!!!

Easter

Pro-rabbit or anti-rabbit

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!

Dedicated to chaka the cavalier...

Well you were my very first car

and we traveled quite far*

You would leak in the rain

your power steering was kinda a pain

Lower the top in the sun

proved cheap cars can still be fun

You had a busted trunk

Your interior had kinda a funk

Seemingly intimidating to deer

I would drive with no fear

Everybody crammed in the back seat

Got through every winter with plenty O' heat

But then your gaskets went and went bad

Took you to the scrap yard so so sad

you got a bit of rust

but they say trust doesn't rust

I'll never forget you

you crappy hunk of junk!

*40,000+ miles

My recent love affair with asterisks...

I've recently realized my affair with asterisks has gotten a bit out of control... I'll try to tune it back a bit. In the mean time here are some great uses for them

-hide foul language

-wildcard character/string

-denote a footnote!

-bolds stuff in FB chat

-they look like an anus

plus its just fun to say asterisk!

Challenges!

There are many times during the day when I perceive challenges that probably weren't meant to be a challenge in the first place. Here are a few!

Low battery on Phone

"Do you want help with that?"*

Limit 2 per customer

______ is not responding**

Low gas warning light

"You're going to eat ALL of that!?"*

*This happens roughly 23 times a day

**the HELL it is! FC that crap!

Im case you were wondering

Yes its real ...

Difficult choices

Eat or go back to sleep?

Buy gas today or tomorrow?*

Recliner or sofa?

Get up and get the remote or accept the current channel?

green apple or blue raspberry?

pokemon white or black?

Queen or ELO?**

Upload or delete?

*Hint: the correct choice is always is yesterday

** my answer changes weekly...

Things I learned in Chicago

Yesterday our Community College offered a trip to Chicago to visit the various museums located there. I went with a few friends and was educated in the following ways (proving that the trip had some educational value)

Trashy people can be stuck up: While passing through Gary, Indianna the group sitting across from us asked us politely to "refrain from using saying things like that." What were we talking about? We were discussing how terribly polluted the area was and also wondering if we would pass through the ghetto on our way into Chicago. They informed us that the term ghetto was in fact racist, which we didn't comprehend because we were referring to it as a place, not a group of people or any other way that could possibly involve only a single race, and well I won't get into a whole rant on it now...

Technology is still ****ING AWESOME!: As we left Michigan I decided to bravely enable the GPS on my phone (knowing that for every second it was on I would lose hours of battery life), and opened google earth to find out where we were. After locking in on our current location the indicator followed us along the expressway. Pretty handy seeing as I was in a back-facing seat and would've otherwise been completely unaware of what was coming up landmark wise. Thanks Technology!

'Gertie the dinosaur' is possibly the funniest cartoon ever: Just go watch it...

Coal is used in the production of toothpaste: Or so our guide claimed at the coal mining exhibit in the Museum of Science and Industry. He was even so bold as to refer to COLgate!

Of course there was a lot more to the trip (including the bus showing of The Princess Bride AS WELL AS Monty Python and the holy grail), but a lot of it involved that childlike state you go into when you get to a museum and realize just how awesome stuff is

What is the deal with 12???

last post reminded me of the problem with 12. why is 12 the FIRST hour and not the last!?!? the current system is:

12,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11

when it really should be

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12

This is just idiotic. Who was coming up with the time system and insisted that 12 starts the half-day and not ends it? Sure this seems like an insignificant issue, until you start to wonder why it is an issue at all...

Significant times

here is a list of ALL the significant times (12 hour ONLY, screw 24 hour)

12:00 (beginning of day/overlapping hands on clock)

12:12

12:14

12:34

12:48

1:11

1:23

1:24

2:22

2:34

2:48

3:21

3:33

3:69

4:11

4:20

4:21

4:44

5:10

5:55

6:00 (vertical hands on clock)

6:06 (my area code)

7:11

8:42

9:11

10:01

10:05

10:10

10:11

10:20

11:11

11:12

11:22, 33, 44, etc

11:59 (end of day)

Great moments in history

Uses for newspapers

In order of importance to me

-starting camp fires
-threatening pets
-recycling
-a source of dietary fiber
-delivering the news

Bacon

Things that should be Bacon flavored:

-Bacon

Things that SHOULDN'T be Bacon flavored:

-EVERYTHING ELSE

Smiley Standardization

This has gone on long enough. Emoticons have been around for over a decade now and there is still NO standardization! WTF!? There seems to be 3 schools of thought on the subject:

ORIGINAL: standard eyes and mouth such as :) :( ;) :D etc

SQUARED: equals sign eyes with bracket mouth such as =] =[ =/ etc

SMARTPHONE: original with added nose for a 3 character smiley such as :-) ;-) :-D etc

They need to form a committee and get SOMETHING down as standard because I hate having conversations with people only to become instantly frustrated by them using a different smiley style...

First person to...

I feel that it must have been awkward foe the people who were the first to so certain things. Some examples:

-first person to go surfing
-first person to milk a cow
-first person to MAKE a pillow
-first person to wear a wig
-first person to whistle
-first person to try and sell a unicycle...

These people were all either mocked endlessly, or became the hero of their village, tribe, or cave.

Enemies list as of 3/18

Arby's
Yellow cavalier
Wobbly furniture
Spare parts
Caps lock
New Digg
Any state split into two geographic states (I'm looking at you Dakotas, Carolinas and Virginias!)
People named after seasons
Chocolate milk after it gets that weird sour taste...
Ian
Mike
All types of precipitation
Dust
People who get offended by sexist/racist jokes
Apple
Minor injuries
Ice that gets stuck on wheels and makes the car shake a ton
Parks and Recreation
Malfunctioning alarm clocks
All states adjacent to Michigan
Cursive handwriting
The word cloth
Seth rogan
Jonah hill
Wesco
My neck
Lazy Craigslist people

Tool humor

Person A: "can you grab me a screwdriver?"

Person B: "sure, philips or flathead?"

Person A: "neither... its one of those weird ones that looks like an anus!"

Person B: "crap we don't have any anal screwdrivers..."

Person A: "so... are we..."

Person B: "screwed!"

Nicknames

Ev
E-vart
Vart
Dr. E
Swarles
Richard
Evdwardo
Elder Everett
Rit

Evolution

It would really have sucked to be the first fish with arms...

Dinosaurs went extinct and then mammals took over. Now birds (which Jurassic park and the magic schoolbus taught me evolved from dinosaurs) are getting their revenge by ****ing on our ****!

When did pigs gain the ability to become Bacon, and how did that not result in extinction?

Learn your Newtons!

Newton: a unit of force
Apple Newton: a really old school iPod touch
Issac Newton: scientist
Fig Newton: delicious snack item

Cookie rating system

Has chocolate: +5
Has chocolate chips: +10
Has nuts: +2
Has raisins: -25
Sprinkles: +12
Good frosting: +8
Bad frosting: -8
Cool shape: +5
Warm and soft: +30
Crispy: +7
Oatmeal: -3,000,000

"<"0 - fail cookie
0-15 - decent cookie
16-29 - cookie-tastic
30+ - godly cookie

Everettionary

These are some important words I invented. Enjoy

Chenvy: having Chevy envy (aka Ford owners)

Relaxternoon: an afternoon where you get nothing accomplished

Part: fart while taking a piss

Procrasturtle: a turtle who shouldn't have waited to cross the road (dead)

Exaggective: exaggerated adjective (ie "a ton of ___")

Michigan weather forecast...

Or lack of...

(Sorry for poor quality, scanner is not working...)

Every science textbook ever

Table of Contents

---

Unit A: why is this even in the book
Chapter 1 - introduction
Chapter 2 - the scientific method!!!
Chapter 3 - introduction 2: the reintroductioning

Unit B: where the book should start
Chapter 4 - you already know all of this
Chapter 5 - simple stuff
Chapter 6 - easy stuff
Chapter 7 - difficult stuff

Unit C: you wont get to these chapters because the class will end after unit b...
Chapter 8 - more difficult stuff
Chapter 9 - actually interesting stuff
Chapter 10 -???? Wtf is this!?

Glossary
Appendixes A-F
Answers for homework

Why caps lock is the worst thing ever

Keyboards are pretty great. They are all generally laid out the same, and have been for decades. There is one key, however, that ruins the entire typing experience, and it is caps lock. First of all how lazy are we that we even need a caps lock!? Are people getting tired from holding down shift!? And that's another problem, its CAPS lock, not SHIFT lock. I remember that every time I want to put an exclamation mark after an all caps sentance. Its just useless. And that would be totally fine with me if they tucked it in some God-forsaken corner of the keyboard (like over buy the print screen key. Yeah, THAT far), but noooo! They had to put it right next to the A key. Its almost TOO close! It's like its trying to grope Simenon the bus or subway or something (just realized airplanes are grope free). I have hit caps lock too many times and found myself embarrassingly retyping the next few words in the aftermath.

This is a plea to all keyboard manufacturers out there: please PLEASE do something to stop the violence! Thank you!

Enemies list as of March 13th, 2011

Arby's
Yellow cavalier
Wobbly furniture
Spare parts
Caps lock
New Digg
Any state split into two geographic states (I'm looking at you Dakotas, Carolinas and Virginias!)
People named after seasons
Chocolate milk after it gets that weird sour taste...
Ian
Mike
All types of precipitation
Dust
People who get offended by sexist/racist jokes
Apple
Minor injuries
Ice that gets stuck on wheels and makes the car shake a ton
Parks and Recreation
Malfunctioning alarm clocks
All states adjacent to Michigan
Cursive handwriting
The word cloth

Rage Dinosaurs

We all know some of the popular dinosaurs, but these are there more irate relatives (eventually evolved into angry birds???)

Tyragesaurus Rex
Stegragesaurus
Triragetops
Pteragedactyl
Velociragetor