My recent love affair with asterisks...

I've recently realized my affair with asterisks has gotten a bit out of control... I'll try to tune it back a bit. In the mean time here are some great uses for them

-hide foul language

-wildcard character/string

-denote a footnote!

-bolds stuff in FB chat

-they look like an anus

plus its just fun to say asterisk!

Challenges!

There are many times during the day when I perceive challenges that probably weren't meant to be a challenge in the first place. Here are a few!

Low battery on Phone

"Do you want help with that?"*

Limit 2 per customer

______ is not responding**

Low gas warning light

"You're going to eat ALL of that!?"*

*This happens roughly 23 times a day

**the HELL it is! FC that crap!

Im case you were wondering

Yes its real ...

Difficult choices

Eat or go back to sleep?

Buy gas today or tomorrow?*

Recliner or sofa?

Get up and get the remote or accept the current channel?

green apple or blue raspberry?

pokemon white or black?

Queen or ELO?**

Upload or delete?

*Hint: the correct choice is always is yesterday

** my answer changes weekly...

Things I learned in Chicago

Yesterday our Community College offered a trip to Chicago to visit the various museums located there. I went with a few friends and was educated in the following ways (proving that the trip had some educational value)

Trashy people can be stuck up: While passing through Gary, Indianna the group sitting across from us asked us politely to "refrain from using saying things like that." What were we talking about? We were discussing how terribly polluted the area was and also wondering if we would pass through the ghetto on our way into Chicago. They informed us that the term ghetto was in fact racist, which we didn't comprehend because we were referring to it as a place, not a group of people or any other way that could possibly involve only a single race, and well I won't get into a whole rant on it now...

Technology is still ****ING AWESOME!: As we left Michigan I decided to bravely enable the GPS on my phone (knowing that for every second it was on I would lose hours of battery life), and opened google earth to find out where we were. After locking in on our current location the indicator followed us along the expressway. Pretty handy seeing as I was in a back-facing seat and would've otherwise been completely unaware of what was coming up landmark wise. Thanks Technology!

'Gertie the dinosaur' is possibly the funniest cartoon ever: Just go watch it...

Coal is used in the production of toothpaste: Or so our guide claimed at the coal mining exhibit in the Museum of Science and Industry. He was even so bold as to refer to COLgate!

Of course there was a lot more to the trip (including the bus showing of The Princess Bride AS WELL AS Monty Python and the holy grail), but a lot of it involved that childlike state you go into when you get to a museum and realize just how awesome stuff is

What is the deal with 12???

last post reminded me of the problem with 12. why is 12 the FIRST hour and not the last!?!? the current system is:

12,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11

when it really should be

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12

This is just idiotic. Who was coming up with the time system and insisted that 12 starts the half-day and not ends it? Sure this seems like an insignificant issue, until you start to wonder why it is an issue at all...

Significant times

here is a list of ALL the significant times (12 hour ONLY, screw 24 hour)

12:00 (beginning of day/overlapping hands on clock)

12:12

12:14

12:34

12:48

1:11

1:23

1:24

2:22

2:34

2:48

3:21

3:33

3:69

4:11

4:20

4:21

4:44

5:10

5:55

6:00 (vertical hands on clock)

6:06 (my area code)

7:11

8:42

9:11

10:01

10:05

10:10

10:11

10:20

11:11

11:12

11:22, 33, 44, etc

11:59 (end of day)

Great moments in history

Uses for newspapers

In order of importance to me

-starting camp fires
-threatening pets
-recycling
-a source of dietary fiber
-delivering the news

Bacon

Things that should be Bacon flavored:

-Bacon

Things that SHOULDN'T be Bacon flavored:

-EVERYTHING ELSE

Smiley Standardization

This has gone on long enough. Emoticons have been around for over a decade now and there is still NO standardization! WTF!? There seems to be 3 schools of thought on the subject:

ORIGINAL: standard eyes and mouth such as :) :( ;) :D etc

SQUARED: equals sign eyes with bracket mouth such as =] =[ =/ etc

SMARTPHONE: original with added nose for a 3 character smiley such as :-) ;-) :-D etc

They need to form a committee and get SOMETHING down as standard because I hate having conversations with people only to become instantly frustrated by them using a different smiley style...

First person to...

I feel that it must have been awkward foe the people who were the first to so certain things. Some examples:

-first person to go surfing
-first person to milk a cow
-first person to MAKE a pillow
-first person to wear a wig
-first person to whistle
-first person to try and sell a unicycle...

These people were all either mocked endlessly, or became the hero of their village, tribe, or cave.

Enemies list as of 3/18

Arby's
Yellow cavalier
Wobbly furniture
Spare parts
Caps lock
New Digg
Any state split into two geographic states (I'm looking at you Dakotas, Carolinas and Virginias!)
People named after seasons
Chocolate milk after it gets that weird sour taste...
Ian
Mike
All types of precipitation
Dust
People who get offended by sexist/racist jokes
Apple
Minor injuries
Ice that gets stuck on wheels and makes the car shake a ton
Parks and Recreation
Malfunctioning alarm clocks
All states adjacent to Michigan
Cursive handwriting
The word cloth
Seth rogan
Jonah hill
Wesco
My neck
Lazy Craigslist people

Tool humor

Person A: "can you grab me a screwdriver?"

Person B: "sure, philips or flathead?"

Person A: "neither... its one of those weird ones that looks like an anus!"

Person B: "crap we don't have any anal screwdrivers..."

Person A: "so... are we..."

Person B: "screwed!"

Nicknames

Ev
E-vart
Vart
Dr. E
Swarles
Richard
Evdwardo
Elder Everett
Rit

Evolution

It would really have sucked to be the first fish with arms...

Dinosaurs went extinct and then mammals took over. Now birds (which Jurassic park and the magic schoolbus taught me evolved from dinosaurs) are getting their revenge by ****ing on our ****!

When did pigs gain the ability to become Bacon, and how did that not result in extinction?

Learn your Newtons!

Newton: a unit of force
Apple Newton: a really old school iPod touch
Issac Newton: scientist
Fig Newton: delicious snack item

Cookie rating system

Has chocolate: +5
Has chocolate chips: +10
Has nuts: +2
Has raisins: -25
Sprinkles: +12
Good frosting: +8
Bad frosting: -8
Cool shape: +5
Warm and soft: +30
Crispy: +7
Oatmeal: -3,000,000

"<"0 - fail cookie
0-15 - decent cookie
16-29 - cookie-tastic
30+ - godly cookie

Everettionary

These are some important words I invented. Enjoy

Chenvy: having Chevy envy (aka Ford owners)

Relaxternoon: an afternoon where you get nothing accomplished

Part: fart while taking a piss

Procrasturtle: a turtle who shouldn't have waited to cross the road (dead)

Exaggective: exaggerated adjective (ie "a ton of ___")

Michigan weather forecast...

Or lack of...

(Sorry for poor quality, scanner is not working...)

Every science textbook ever

Table of Contents

---

Unit A: why is this even in the book
Chapter 1 - introduction
Chapter 2 - the scientific method!!!
Chapter 3 - introduction 2: the reintroductioning

Unit B: where the book should start
Chapter 4 - you already know all of this
Chapter 5 - simple stuff
Chapter 6 - easy stuff
Chapter 7 - difficult stuff

Unit C: you wont get to these chapters because the class will end after unit b...
Chapter 8 - more difficult stuff
Chapter 9 - actually interesting stuff
Chapter 10 -???? Wtf is this!?

Glossary
Appendixes A-F
Answers for homework

Why caps lock is the worst thing ever

Keyboards are pretty great. They are all generally laid out the same, and have been for decades. There is one key, however, that ruins the entire typing experience, and it is caps lock. First of all how lazy are we that we even need a caps lock!? Are people getting tired from holding down shift!? And that's another problem, its CAPS lock, not SHIFT lock. I remember that every time I want to put an exclamation mark after an all caps sentance. Its just useless. And that would be totally fine with me if they tucked it in some God-forsaken corner of the keyboard (like over buy the print screen key. Yeah, THAT far), but noooo! They had to put it right next to the A key. Its almost TOO close! It's like its trying to grope Simenon the bus or subway or something (just realized airplanes are grope free). I have hit caps lock too many times and found myself embarrassingly retyping the next few words in the aftermath.

This is a plea to all keyboard manufacturers out there: please PLEASE do something to stop the violence! Thank you!

Enemies list as of March 13th, 2011

Arby's
Yellow cavalier
Wobbly furniture
Spare parts
Caps lock
New Digg
Any state split into two geographic states (I'm looking at you Dakotas, Carolinas and Virginias!)
People named after seasons
Chocolate milk after it gets that weird sour taste...
Ian
Mike
All types of precipitation
Dust
People who get offended by sexist/racist jokes
Apple
Minor injuries
Ice that gets stuck on wheels and makes the car shake a ton
Parks and Recreation
Malfunctioning alarm clocks
All states adjacent to Michigan
Cursive handwriting
The word cloth

Rage Dinosaurs

We all know some of the popular dinosaurs, but these are there more irate relatives (eventually evolved into angry birds???)

Tyragesaurus Rex
Stegragesaurus
Triragetops
Pteragedactyl
Velociragetor